June 22, 2006


Guest Blogger: Immigration

There has been a trend in my bloggerhood to bring in guest bloggers. I even have posting privileges on a regional political blog. So I suppose I'll test the wheels on this here bandwagon, and without further ado, introduce my first guest blogger:

An Open Letter to the American People
By Randy Carnivore
President and CEO of Jackem Industries

My Fellow Americans,

Recently, there has been an abundance of discussion on the topic of illegal immigration, with voices lifted in outrage demanding the instant criminalization of illegal immigrants and their prompt deportation. There have been few voices of reason and moderation to be heard on either side of this issue. So in the interest of a much-needed reality check, it is my intention with this letter to offer just that.

To begin with I would first like to ask a question: What the hell is wrong with you people? In America, we have an economic system known as capitalism. Unlike our political system, which is a representative democracy where everyone is treated with absolute equality, capitalism is a system in which it is perfectly acceptable to crush those weaker than yourself with extreme prejudice and to eat your own young. And as long as we sell our product to you at cut throat- I’m sorry- cut rate prices, the system works, even if we poison the environment or even you in the process.

But here’s the thing: We have to produce our product cheaply in order to sell it, and every time we come up with a way to do just that, you people put a stop to it. First, we had a centuries-old, delightfully quaint system called slavery. The slave trade was a booming industry unto itself, providing wonderful opportunities for thousands of opportunistic individuals, and if there’s one attribute that guarantees success in capitalism, it’s being opportunistic. But the fumes of democracy went to some people’s heads and next thing you know, slavery was abolished, plunging the South into an economic depression, and recession for the nation as a whole.

So seeing that something needed to be done, we turned to the next best thing to slaves, and that was America’s children. Granted, they weren’t as durable, but they were much easier to cower, and the little buggers could fit into a tiny mine shaft like nobody’s business. But then people like Upton Sinclair and other communist union agitators started to rock the boat, and despite our most patriotic efforts people listened to them. Hello?! Communists?! They demanded greater equality between workers and their employers, which is simply ridiculous. I mean, equality may work in abstract political systems like democracy, but in the reality-based world of economics, it simply doesn’t work. Fact: Russia collapsed. Fact: America didn’t.

So once the unions took over prices started going up, and next thing we know, you people began to buy products made only in China. Now this really doesn’t make any sense, because the child labor, long hours and murderous work conditions that you griped about here are the same ones that exist there. But do you protest for Chinese labor rights or boycott Chinese products? No, you buy, buy, buy. Finally, in a legitimate struggle to stay competitive, we resorted to hiring illegal aliens. They don’t insist on a minimum wage, they don’t insist on insurance, and they want to work. No one is forcing them to come here and take these jobs, they volunteer. It’s a perfect system. But then you come along again complaining that they’re taking your jobs. What world are you living in? Your job pays at least $5.15 per hour and may even provide frilly benefits in the bargain. These jobs don’t. Some other high-minded corporations that are squeamish about hiring illegal aliens have taken the high road and simply relocated their businesses overseas. They are thinking quite reasonably that if Americans don’t have a problem with foreigners working under nightmarish conditions overseas, then they should simply move their companies to those countries where they can put those same foreigners to work.

But even that is not good enough. You people start bitching about it, calling it “out-sourcing” like it’s a bad thing. Jesus Christ, what are we supposed to do?! Some of you morons say that it doesn’t even matter that they’re illegal immigrants. You hate immigrants altogether, legal or not and blame them for being here. It’s not their fault that they are here. It’s your fault, you provincial idiots. As long as you insist on shopping at Wal-Mart and buying the cheapest products, we’re going to keep hiring them. Perhaps it’s a racial thing. Come on people, this is America, land of the free. Wake up and join the 21st century! Don’t forget, it’s you guys who keep insisting that this is a democracy where all men are created equal. In the corporate world, we have finally started to notice other cultures and we have learned that we have much more in common with them than we first thought, particularly our business ethics (hence the outsourcing).

You know, I imagine that you people are so deluded that you’ll actually be surprised when every last company in America relocates overseas if you pass laws against illegal immigrants. You people need to figure out what it is you want before you start screaming. If you want to keep buying merchandise cheap, that’s cool, I understand. It’s perfectly natural. But if that’s the case then you have to understand something. This is a competitive world where the law of the jungle prevails (in a word, capitalism), so you have to let us do what we must to crank that crappy stuff out at the lowest possible price. Figure it out people. Do the damn math. It’s really not that hard. It’s either that, or we go communist and force everyone to be equal in the workplace and drive prices way up. Now please understand that we in the corporate world are perfectly fine with that, but only so long as you promise to allow Wal-Mart to become the place where you go to buy only the best and most expensive products that money can buy. But doesn’t all that sound terribly antithetical to God and nature?

So wake up America, and figure out what it is you want. And I think we all know what that is – cheap, immigrant-made American crap. Keeping that in mind, the next time you see someone who you think is an illegal alien, look at that person and recognize the slave, the child laborer, or the guy who lost his hand in a meat processor and was turned out on the street, and recognize everything that made this country the great, all-powerful nation that it is.

God Bless You, and God Bless the United States of America,

Randy Carnivore

© 2006 Satire by Michael Hillman


Very insightful, I must say- I find myself agreeing with many points. However, you fail to address the situation with S.P.E.C.T.R.E, Magneto, and such.
Wow.....I am speechless (as well as back from Europe...sans bag the GD French!!!!). Right on Randy Carnivore.......
Mr. Troll -

Since the demise of the Special Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion several Bond films ago, Jackem Industries has taken a shine to the
Secret Board of Shadowy Figures. Conversely, we find Magneto et al to be insufferable elitists and consider it best to avoid business dealings with them. Thank you for your inquiry.

Warmest Regards,

Randy Carnivore
I love being a trendsetter.
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