September 24, 2009
Loss, bitterness and renewal
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Last Friday toward the end of my shift the owner flagged me down and told me that my wife had called. She wanted me to call back before I left work, he said. "I'm not real good at discerning these things, but I think she had been crying."
Of course I was worried right off the bat, but I knew if it had been an emergency that obviously Jen would have asked to speak with me right away. I only had a few more things to finish up until I was done for the night so I made haste with that and called home. She was upset because she got the news that a former co-worker of mine, not a very close friend but much more than an aquaintance, had just lost her husband, her 10-year-old daughter and her brother in an auto accident. "I just wanted to hear your voice and to tell you that I love you and to be careful on your way home," she said.
After clocking out I numbly walked to the car and broke down. I was stunned by the news that the lives of two people that I knew (I had never met her brother) had been instantly and violently ended and by how her life is now so painfully fragmented by the loss of not just one or two but three loved ones.
The typical "public" events that follow death were in this unusual case augmented by a candlelight vigil two nights after the accident. Despite this area experiencing some of the heaviest rain seen in years, 300 people attended the ceremony. Forces beyond our control (lack of babysitter) had Jen and I decide that only one of us could go, but then forces of nature (flash flooding) caused us to opt out altogether. All things considered it was a wise decision, as a mutual friend posted Facebook updates on being stuck at the church until 2 a.m. due to the high water. I heard another former co-worker's account of attempting to navigate a flooded road on the route home and nearly losing his vehicle in the current.
A funeral home visitation took place two nights later, but as I was scheduled for work Jen decided she would make an appearance, if only a brief one because of the necessity to have child in tow. I am grateful that she was able to talk with our friend briefly to express sympathy and say simply that when the storm abates a little in a few weeks or even months (I envision at least partly cloudy skies for the rest of her life) to give us a call and we'll get together.
I was only able to attend the funeral service at the church today. This is the one event I would have chosen last, for the selfish reason that I am not comfortable among those trappings. I had to breathe deep often to counteract the swelling grief in me for this wife and mother and her remaining 6-year-old daughter (an anchor that is surely keeping her sane). There were such unfathomable sights today - of a little sister too young to fully grieve, of the slightly older friends and school mates, faces red and streaked wet, who have little to no context in which to frame their intense feelings of loss. I was heartbroken by the thought of them having to deal with something so incomprehensible, by a "why?" so far beyond a relatively normal death like that of a grandparent.
This all has left me in a tough place because, although my life experience has caused me to eschew religion, I am still a "want to" believer in the grand purpose of our race and our space. I consider myself basically an agnostic deist - I have zero need for dogma yet I am hopeful that a benevolent, laissez-faire higher power has something else in store for us beyond what we perceive in this life (and that "beyond" should not be obsessed upon). The funeral left me struggling with bitterness at the raspy-voiced old fire and brimstone preacher who turned from that tack and proclaimed that "this is the day that the Lord has made - let us rejoice and be glad in it." It's bitterness toward what BS I think that is but also somewhat toward having lost the faith of those who can comfortably lean on that B(lis)S. Actually, I am glad to have been released from what I see as ignorance in many instances, but I think I need to allow others their faith, free from my prejudice, so they can do the good they are capable of and I can release the bitterness that only hinders me from doing the same.
I haven't found the perfect happy medium where I can just let go of my anger toward religion and pursue that peace that passes all understanding, to paraphrase Paul née Saul of Tarsus. I know that internally I've got work to do. Being a father is beyond a doubt aiding this work very positively. As for externally, well it'd be a tough row for Jesus to hoe, since he (and/or his representatives) have burned me no less than twice. But I feel like there is a corner to be turned up ahead, and it's like Jen told me, "don't begrudge anyone praying for you - it can't hurt."
Ask for a burning bush or a Virgin Mary waffle.
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Labels: death, friends, religion, tragedy
September 11, 2007
Chutzpah on stilts
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Lots of good remembrances on the blogs today. The theme I am relating to best is not so much remembering what we've lost but rather what we've given away. Former U.S. Senator Gary Hart wrote one of the best essays, copied here from HuffPo:
And here is my annual perspective check from that watershed time (cut me some slack on my over-the-top newscaster tone).
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Lots of good remembrances on the blogs today. The theme I am relating to best is not so much remembering what we've lost but rather what we've given away. Former U.S. Senator Gary Hart wrote one of the best essays, copied here from HuffPo:
Six years ago three thousand Americans lost their lives. They need not have. Their deaths could have been prevented. Their lives could have been saved.
The Bush administration was warned months before 9/11 that terrorists were going to attack America. They did nothing. They have yet to be held accountable for the preventable loss of American lives. Yet the administration blames its critics for not understanding the terrorist threat.
The perpetrator of those American deaths is still at large and the war to eliminate those who harbored him threatens to drag on inconclusively for many years. Instead, administration operatives, with the approval of their masters, find it convenient to use him to create fear, and therefore justify their positions of power.
The United States has suffered more than 30,000 casualties in another war that had nothing to do with those attacks. This folly is producing more haters of America than it can ever possibly eliminate.
The backbone of domestic security, the National Guard, is deployed in that war and is thus not at home being trained, equipped, and deployed to protect America.
The consolidation of federal border protection and attack response in a single agency did not begin until at least 18 months after it was proposed and, six years later, it has proved to be woefully inadequate, in large part because those responsible for its administration possess a political philosophy that does not believe government can or should be effective. And they use every occasion to prove it.
The U.S. is currently pursuing a foreign policy in the Middle East and throughout the Arab world that is dementedly designed to promote a clash of civilizations. When this policy produces further attacks, our current policy makers will respond that this is what to expect from those who hate America and only tough-minded conservatives know how to deal with them.
Those who claim to understand terrorism and the use of force, meanwhile, have so exhausted our combat forces that our true national security is greatly at risk and our nation is weakened.
This administration stands indicted for incompetence and mendacity. That it still commands the loyalty of even a quarter of our fellow citizens is testament to the persistence of willful ignorance. Against all the facts assembled in this indictment, that the administration's operatives can still make claims on strength, security, and determination is chutzpah on stilts.
That the media still treat these operatives and spokespersons, and indeed the president himself, seriously is witness to their desire for "access" and "sources" rather than their commitment to the truth.
America is today under the steady gaze of billions of the world's citizens and even more under the examining lens of history. Nothing is more difficult than to admit that we made a tragic mistake in selecting our leaders. But that is the first step toward redemption. Absolute rejection of those who lay claim to ownership of security is the next.
We are too old to behave as adolescents any longer. That includes particularly our president. America must grow up. We must redeem ourselves in the name of those who lost their lives unnecessarily six years ago. We must reclaim our dignity and our honor from those who have neither.
And here is my annual perspective check from that watershed time (cut me some slack on my over-the-top newscaster tone).
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Labels: death, facts, histoire, justice, life, madness, martyrdom, milestones, politix, religion, remembrance, terms of enragement, tragedy, turrists, war, weaponry, words
May 03, 2007
Parental horror
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I can't think of another situation that messes with my emotions more than accidental parental neglect. Beyond the absolute horror of the ordeal I think the first reaction of most people to stories like this is utter contempt for the carelessness of a parent that makes such a fatal mistake. It boggles the mind to imagine how an infant could be left alone somewhere, much less that it was inside an automobile on a warm spring day and that it was for seven hours and that the father ignored the fancy motion alarm with which his car is equipped. It also boggles the mind that 29 American children died last year under similar circumstances. Consideration that incidents like these have been on the rise since the advent of front passenger airbags (necessitating rear seat child safety carriers) does little to clarify the senselessness.
The flipside is sympathy for the family. I can't comprehend what they are dealing with right now in the swirling mass of guilt, sorrow and public outrage, not to mention the criminal charges that will likely break this already broken family. Coping with the death of one's child would seem to be the ultimate despair, but imagine topping that with the fact that it was your fault and that it was very, very avoidable.
I can't think of another situation that messes with my emotions more than accidental parental neglect. Beyond the absolute horror of the ordeal I think the first reaction of most people to stories like this is utter contempt for the carelessness of a parent that makes such a fatal mistake. It boggles the mind to imagine how an infant could be left alone somewhere, much less that it was inside an automobile on a warm spring day and that it was for seven hours and that the father ignored the fancy motion alarm with which his car is equipped. It also boggles the mind that 29 American children died last year under similar circumstances. Consideration that incidents like these have been on the rise since the advent of front passenger airbags (necessitating rear seat child safety carriers) does little to clarify the senselessness.
The flipside is sympathy for the family. I can't comprehend what they are dealing with right now in the swirling mass of guilt, sorrow and public outrage, not to mention the criminal charges that will likely break this already broken family. Coping with the death of one's child would seem to be the ultimate despair, but imagine topping that with the fact that it was your fault and that it was very, very avoidable.
Labels: parenthood, tragedy
